My Defects

For example:

• I have sometimes been careless and unaware of the consequences of my mistakes. And, realizing that I've made mistakes and wanting to be better, I realize that I cannot both be myself, and become another at the same time.
• For example: At the age of 6, or 7, I hit my best friend, and next door neighbor with a souvenir baseball bat as I was practicing my swing and left to tell his mother before I saw him get back up.
• When I got lost following a cat, my Uncle got involved in experimentation on cats at the University Laboratories by placing electrodes in their brains (presumably to control their behavior).
• I wrote a Thesis for the University to obtain my Physiology Degree, but used research citing the vivisection of Monkeys to map the visual cortex, and while preparing for Optometry School protesters called out his research on the Avenue that there.
• When I returned home to start a business online, my first order was to improve a library of Marxist publications for a former professor, but because I was blaming everyone else for my failures, I couldn't see how my behavior resembled theirs.
• While working on a biotech project, I participated in research to improve our ability to control computers by intention, but by choosing to use my opportunity to do so with selfish intentions, efforts to control the computer became a opportunity to modify me.

I've always believed in being good and doing right, but I was not prepared to deal with evil or vengeance until I encountered it in my own life, and by then, I needed help.

• As I drove to help my daughter, efforts to help her may have compromised another person who's efforts to defend himself may have invalidated me, compromising us both.
• And, deterred from my opportunity to help her and still determined to work with others, I realized that they may have become victims of the same tactics: a kind of silent treatment resulting from Constitutional Limitations that are a fundamental fact of life.

Perhaps it was my innocence that failed me! I have no intention to hurt anyone and have always shared my own shame with professionals (everything that bothered me), so I didn't feel the need to apprehend any kind of retaliation, but upon reflection, I had to admit that names, whether they be of a person or place, a family name or corporation, have a life of their own and that connotations conjured up by others might result in representations of ourselves that characterize us in unsavory ways.

What I Failed to Do:

• I am not always capable of taking the blame for others, but have sought to correct what I found to be wrong.
• I was not able to maintain the privacy and/or confidence of others because we were required to report crime that led to injuries.
• Having failed to recognize the problems, or the severity of the problems I faced, I may have seemed aimless, or idle and perplexed by my lack of opportunities.
• Being unaware of what I’d done wrong, I may have failed to protect and defend those I was charged to assist.
• I’ve been unable to prevent much of the harm that continued to myself and others while doing what I could to find new ways to control the unruly aspects of my character.
• Because I’ve never really had any control over my assets or earnings, and the gifts I was given were taken from me, I was unable to give back, or be supportive of those who helped me.
• Because I was unaware of the needs of others while drugged and restrained, I had to put my own needs before the requirements of my work.
• Disruption and interference has prevented me from the priorities of my business because I’ve been unable to address the personal problems in my life adequately.

What I Should Have Done Instead:

• Walk the talk, and make the most of my time.
• Learn to respect the boundaries of others, and mind my own business.
• Consider more carefully what I might have done better, rather than despair over what went wrong.
• Continue to make amends to those I've harmed, regardless of their conduct with me.
• Take the time to challenge my own thoughts and beliefs, rather than questioning others.
• Respect the power of nature, the authority of those who govern, and the teachers and healers I've been fortunate to know.
• Meet my obligations, and give back to those who survive me.
• Do right to build character, rather than obsessively focusing on feeling good.
• Learn from mistakes to share the way out, not just the problem.