I have sometimes been careless and unaware of the consequences of my behavior.
For example: At the age of 6, or 7, I hit my best friend, and next door neighbor with a souvenir baseball bat as I was practicing a major league swing and left before I saw him get back up.
The fact that I was given many chances in life didn’t seem to matter. Everytime I made progress, someone, or something stood in the way of my progress. Perhaps because I didn't really know what happened, and did little or nothing to correct what they believed was a problem, I was expected to amend behavior I was unaware of.
Here's what happened next:
I was recruited to work with the disabled and labeled by medical professionals as antisocial, or a sociopath while 'out of it' on their drugs.
I've always believed in being good and doing right, but I was not prepared to deal with evil or vengeance until I encountered it in my own life, and by then, I needed help.
- As I drove to help my daughter, another person was destroyed by means that invalidated me, and my effort to address what was now two crimes used to silence us both.
- And, deterred from my opportunity to help her and still determined to work with others who also needed help, I realized that they may have become victims of the same tactics: a forced application of the silent treatment.
Perhaps it was my innocence that failed me! I had no intention to hurt my best friend, and for that reason would not, or could not recognize or understand retaliation in the matter, but because his family name, like mine, had connotations that might refer to us as leaky, or unpredictable representations of ‘His Word’, I try to understand what happened from His point of view.
What I Failed to Do:
- I am not always capable of taking the blame for others, but have sought to correct what I found to be wrong.
- I was not able to maintain the privacy and/or confidence of others because we were required to report crime that led to injuries.
- Having failed to recognize the problems, or the severity of the problems I faced, I may have seemed aimless, or idle and perplexed by my lack of opportunities.
- Being unaware of what I’d done wrong, I may have failed to protect and defend those I was charged to assist.
- I’ve been unable to prevent much of the harm that continued to myself and others while doing what I could to find new ways to control the unruly aspects of my character.
- Because I’ve never really had any control over my assets or earnings, and the gifts I was given were taken from me, I was unable to give back, or be supportive of those who helped me.
- Because I was unaware of the needs of others while drugged and restrained, I had to put my own needs before the requirements of my work.
- Disruption and interference has prevented me from the priorities of my business because I’ve been unable to address the personal problems in my life adequately.
What I Should Have Done Instead:
- Walk the talk, and make the most of my time.
- Learn to respect the boundaries of others, and mind my own business.
- Consider more carefully what I might have done better, rather than despair over what went wrong.
- Continue to make amends to those I've harmed, regardless of their conduct with me.
- Take the time to challenge my own thoughts and beliefs, rather than questioning others.
- Respect the power of nature, the authority of those who govern, and the teachers and healers I've been fortunate to know.
- Meet my obligations, and give back to those who survive me.
- Do right to build character, rather than obsessively focusing on feeling good.
- Learn from mistakes to share the way out, not just the problem.
Gates of Repentance
God, You love me very much because I am me. Help me to remember all the things You've done for me, are doing for me, and will do for me. You have plans for my eternal happiness, and are with me now in this effort to bring peace, and closure to my past life. Help me to grow in Your knowledge and love, through all my travails and difficulties in the past, and present, because the past is still affecting my present.
God, help me keep my conscience clear, and when I'm tempted to be offensive, to remember Your patience with me. Teach me to rely on Your healing power to put childish things away.
Show me what to do in each questionable situation, and grant me the strength and sanity I need to do Your will.
Direct my thinking, may it especially be divorced from self pity, dishonest and self seeking motives.
God, help me to let go of possessiveness, and if it be thy will, heal and transform me to keep me from harmful practices and intents.
- To try to be helpful to those I've harmed in whatever ways I am able.
- To be charitable, compassionate and forgiving.
- To be trustworthy, and reliable without unhealthy attachment.
- To be responsible, accountable, loyal and true.
- To be tender, loving, forgiving, gentle, kind, and understanding - and forsaking that, to take my leave and return when I am able.
- To be respectful, and well mannered.
- To be pure, and honorable.